So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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