Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
