R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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