had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
