the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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