You made me cry and you don't even care
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
