I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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