Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
