Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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