I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
