I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
