i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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