Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
