My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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