Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize