I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
