Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize