On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
