I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize