Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
