At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
