i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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