the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
