Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
