Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
