um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
