i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
