Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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