The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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