i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
