On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You took a bar mat shot.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
