i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
