I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
