you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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