No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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