operation harelip BJ is a go
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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