You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
