boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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