I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Someone came in the potted fern
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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