hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
