you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
