dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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