Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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