Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
