yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
