on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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