Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Your cock deserves a montage
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
