i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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