The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
