I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
