So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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