You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
