Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
