Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
