I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
