Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
