mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My ass is underappreciated
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
