Are we in a gay sports bar?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize