He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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